Category Archives: satire

Sharing My World Week 19

  1. Do you believe in ghosts?
  2. What is your best recipe?
  3. What is your most favorite smell/scent?
  4. What subject was your favorite in all of your schooling? Why?

1)I do believe in ghosts.  I didn’t always, but I was shopping in a store one evening when things were flying off the shelves.  It was liking being in an episode of “Bewitched” without Samantha or Endora.  There wasn’t anybody on the other side of either shelf.
2)My favorite recipe was Grandma Oudda’s Strawberry Stroganoff.  Once you try it, you’ll understand.
3)My favorite smell is the smell of Sunday Breakfast (The aroma of fresh brewing coffee, the ryeness of the rye bread as it was being toasted, the fragrance of sizzling bacon, scrambled eggs (though I can’t really smell them), and my first fart of the day.
4)My favorite subject in school was English on “Creative Writing” days.  I liked writing stories about people who had no business being together in situations like being stuck in an elevator together.
I started with week 18 last week.  I will over the course of time get to the 17 weeks that I missed.

Messing with the Clocks

Daylight Saving Time begins on Sunday in most of the United States and Canada.  One doesn’t realize how many devices have clocks on them until one has to change the time on all of them.  Fortunately, the time on my TV, computer, GPS, and phone change automatically.  I have a bunch of other devices that I have to change manually.

My watch – Fortunately, I got a new watch for Christmas and all I have to do to change the time is to hit the “DST” button and it goes to or from Daylight Saving Time.

My coffee pot – I have a bad habit of not changing the time until I use the timer feature.  I’ll want the coffee brewed at 7:00 and it will brew at 6:00 because I didn’t change the clock.

My alarm clock – for good measure, I usually change it the Friday evening before if I don’t have to wake up on Saturday.  I make a point not to look at the alarm clock on Saturday.

The clock in the car – This one is difficult because it doesn’t work according to the directions in the car manual.  I have to do other things not mentioned to get the time to change.

Synchronizing the sundial – this is the most difficult of all because it is hard to move the sundial EXACTLY one hour.  I’ll overmove it and the sundial will be running fast or I’ll undermove it and it will run slow.  Worse yet, I’ll move it in the wrong direction and it will be off by two hours.

I hate Daylight Saving Time.  I am more of a “set-it-and-forget-it” kind of guy.


Basketball and Swimming Areas

I know I have been ranting about the place I work out.  Before I go on about today’s rant, I should explain the good points of the gym/ resort:

The people who work there are top-notch.  If I was running a gym, I’d try to persuade them to work for me.  I know I complained about the cleanliness of the track and will complain about the basketball court today, but it is not the fault of the workers.  When it is clean, it is a very nice place.  It helps that it is around the corner and don’t have to drive and try to find a parking spot.

The basketball court is to the immediate right of the main lobby.  I like to get to the court by 8:40AM and finish before the morons take over the court.  The problem is that the cleaning crew thinks like I do.  They like to start cleaning soon after I start shooting around.  The resort needs an overnight cleaning person for the common areas.  Especially for the money they charge for both the hotel customers and the gym customers.  The cleaning guy shouldn’t have to dodge basketballs and clients shouldn’t have to worry about tripping over a broom or mop.  For those of you not familiar with this concept, it’s called common sense.

From the basketball courts, I head to the pool.  There is usually a water aerobics class for senior ladies, but there is usually a place in the pool where I can swim.  The lone exception is when someone with a senior fetish bobs himself up and down in the area where there would otherwise be room to swim.

After the swim (or instead of if the pervert is bobbing), I like to soak in the Jacuzzi.  There’s usually a person in there, but sometimes it’s empty.  I’ll be relaxing when some guy will come in and for some bizarre reason, think that I am lonely and would enjoy his company.  Sometimes it’s the idiot who was texting on the track.  Sometimes it’s the jerk chilling out on the ab machine that I want to use.  But it’s usually someone with already at least one strike against him and it’s always a male that thinks I would enjoy his company.

Does this face look lonely to you?

This concludes the gym rant. I will pick something else to whine about soon.


What’s the Point?

Last year I went into a rant about people at the gym I have been working out at for the last two years.  Nothing has changed.  I take that back.  It has gotten worse.

Last spring (after the previous rants), I started running on the indoor track.  It was great the first three weeks.  The first two weeks I had the track to myself and got much accomplished.  A runner joined me the third week and we had a mutual understanding of how each other trained so we could both get our full training in.

Then the fecal matter hit the fan.  All of the treadmills were being serviced so the treadmill people came up to the track.  The track is a short track with 15 laps equaling a mile (as opposed to 4 laps on a standard U.S. track) or 40% of a lap at the Indianapolis Speedway.  And instead of eight lanes, there is one lane (which is supposed to be wide enough for two people comfortably.)  The corners bank upwards much like an auto racetrack.

There is a sign of the track rules on the wall across from the stairwell.  The problem with the location is that the newbies stand in the middle of the track while reading the sign.  The following are the types of people who make training at the track a burden:

  • Lovebirds – Walking next to each other hand-in-hand makes it impossible to run without having to stop every lap and scream “EXCUSE ME” because for some reason, they can’t hear my grunting and heavy breathing when I am running.
  • “Day-Care” Parents – Parents who drop their children at the track and go to the Jacuzzi and drink pina coladas. (One of the rules on  the sign is that children under 16 must be accompanied by an adult at all times.
  • Apparatus – people who think it’s cool to ride bicycles and skateboards on the track.
  • Phone / Texters – People who make calls or text while walking (and usually in the middle of the track).
  • General Dumbnuts – people who don’t pay attention to the sign.  (The sign has a few simple rules, some I mentioned before – No horseplay, track direction alternated on alternate days to prevent wear and tear to certain joints from going in the same direction every day.)

There are other things that bug me – they vacuum the track in the middle of the day.  I understand not vacuuming in the middle of the night. (the gym is in a hotel)  They could still get one of those push duster thingies that they use im movie theaters between film showings.  One would think since they are vacuuming that they would pick up the empty water bottles, candy bar wrappers, and Big Mac boxes around the track.  They stay around for days at a time sometimes.

I will have another rant tomorrow about the basketball court and pool areas.  your eyes need a deserved rest.


I was kind of a late bloomer in life.  I started liking members of the opposite sex at a relatively late age.  That same day, I started getting an outbreak of zits.  It was the first day of my junior year in high school.  Kelli was my lab partner in Biology the precious school year, but I didn’t pay much attention to her.  But she wore a tight white blouse and even tighter dark blue jeans.  WOW!

Later that day iin the cafeteria Kelli was carrying her food tray to a table when a fork fell off the tray.  She bent over to pick up the tray.  I was embarrassed by the resulting bulge in my pants.  I wanted to ask her out, but I wanted to check my appearance before asking.  When I finished eating, I went to the bathroom to comb my hair.  While combing, I noticed that my face had been infested with pimples.  This wasn’t one zit – that would have been bad enough considering I had never had a blemish of any kind on my face before.

My face looked like a zodiac map.  there were too many zits for “Connect the Dots.”  Feeling my face was like reading “The Bible” in Braille.  I wondered how this could happen to me.  There were no zits when I washed my face that morning.  My face was washed every morning because I was so afraid of getting a zit.  Now I looked like a pizza with extra pepperoni.

That evening was the start of the “Clearasil Drenchings”  I’d hold my nose and dunk my face in a bowl of Clearasil.  Then I took the pads (one pad for each pimple) – I wanted to make sure all of the zits were off of my face.

It took forever (a week) for those pesky zits to disappear.  I soon had the resolve and the muster to ask Kelli out, but by then she was already seeing somebody.

[This is part of the A-Z of Life series. Check out the other posts!]


“Youth is wasted on the young.” – Mark Twain

If I could combine the energy and enthusiasm of my youth with the lessons I have learned and wisdom I have picked up along the way, then I would be able to get a lot more constructive things accomplished.  I had a lot of energy when I was younger.  Instead of doing something constructive like running for public office or building shelves for my “Hello Kitty” collection, I spent my energy partying until 3:00AM every night when I had a 7:15 class in the morning.  These days, if I don’t go to bed by 11:00PM, then I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends (Even though I don’t have to start work until 8:00AM.)

Another thing I wasted a ton of energy on is avoiding work.  Many times I would have spent less energy if I was to just do as I was told.  Not only did I waste a ton of energy avoiding chores, I ended up having to do them anyway, which used up more energy.

Both my job and my campaigning require a lot of driving and much time away from home.  The driving and the work I do from both tire me out tremendously.  Napping has become almost second nature to me.

There is so much more I want to write about, but i don’t have the energy.  Maybe a young person can write something in the comments below.

[This is part of the A-Z of Life series. Check out the other posts!]


For those unfamiliar with Roman numerals, XVII is the number for 17.  Super Bowls are still numbered with Roman numerals, with the most recent Super Bowl being XLVI (46) between the Giants and Patriots.  Super Bowl XVII was my favorite Super Bowl.  It pitted my Redskins against the Miami Dolphins.  It was the first time I ever got to watch the Redskins play in a Super Bowl.  (They had played the Dolphins in Super Bowl VII, but I wasn’t born then.

I wanted to be like John Riggins when I was a kid.  He ran over people.  That looked like fun.  I liked running over people even though my mother said I was a bad boy when I did that.  He was a big part of the Redskins offense (which was explosive in those days.)

The game didn’t look promising at first.  It took a while for the Redskins to score a touchdown.  And as soon as they scored, they gave up a touchdown on the ensuing kickoff.  The Redskins trailed at halftime.  They trailed after three quarters.  The Redskins were facing a 4th-and-1 on the Miami 43 yard line.  It looked like a typical goal line offense-vs-defense.  The play looked like Riggins was going to go through the middle, but he went around to the left and went down the field for a Redskins touchdown.  The Redskins finally had a lead. I was a happy kid!  The Redskins scored a touchdown late in the game and won 27-17.

“XVII” is not a word in my opinion.  But I had to search for “words that start with ‘x” on the internet.  And according to a page I found, they included all Roman numerals that started with “X.”  I chose XVII because it was the first time I got to see the Redskins win a Super Bowl.  I could have chosen XXII or XXVI.  Both those Super Bowls were great, but XVII will always have a special place in my heart.

[This is part of the A-Z of Life series. Check out the other posts!]

Top Ten Towns I Have Been To (Number 1 – New York, NY)

A town so nice they named it twice.  New York has a lot to offer (though sometimes that is forgotten because it’s so expensive to live there.)  New York has museums, restaurants, beaches, restaurants, a massive public transportation system, restaurants, and a multitude of sports teams in the major sports.  (Not to mention restaurants).

New York is a melting pot of culture.  If you are from another country besides the United States, you will find a neighborhood where people come from your country.  It seems that every nationality has their own festive parade.  In many cases, the parade in New York City is larger than any parade in the motherland.

New York seems to have a parade or a food fair every weekend.  In addition to the parades celebrating various nationalities, there are also parades for heroes and winning New York sports teams (The New York Giants were honored with a parade a few weeks ago.)  and they throw the best Halloween parade on Halloween night.  (Not the Saturday or Sunday afternoon before or after Halloween).

Even if you hate museums, beaches, restaurants, sports, diversity, or parades, New York City still has a lot to offer.  There’s Broadway (with the latest and hottest plays and musicals) and “off-Broadway” with even more musicals and plays (but without the hefty Broadway ticket prices).

My advice for smokers is this:  If you don’t want to have a heart attack, then buy cigarettes, pipe tobacco, cigars, marijuana, etc. before arriving in New York City.  The taxes on tobacco are higher here than anywhere else in the United States.  While there is no tax on marijuana as of yet, it is still somewhat illegal.  The price for a pack of cigarettes start at $11.00 and go up from there.

New York wins.  It is the best place to go because there are more free things to do in New York City than things to do (free or otherwise) in any other city.

Top Ten Towns I Have Been To (Number 2 – Vaduz, Liechtenstein)

I went to Liechtenstein to campaign about affordable entertainment.  I had received an email from a citizen of Liechtenstein who wanted me to speak at a rally.  He had followed my Presidential campaign in 2008 and liked much of what I had to say about the Cinemafia.  He was concerned that “Ace of Base” had diminished the quality of music played in Liechtenstein since they played in Vaduz.

The actual rally sucked.  Few people showed up, much of whom I brought as I walked through Liechtenstein.  (It’s only 7 miles from east to west.)  The person who wrote me never attended the event nor have I heard from him since.   That all aside (and the fact that I don’t know any German), Vaduz is a wonderful town.

  • Kunstmuseum Liechtenstein – This was the first hint that I didn’t know any German.  I was thinking it was going to be a porn museum with “kunsts” in my face.  It’s not a porn museum.  It is an art museum, and the building is a much of modern art as the paintings and sculptures.  I was hoping to see some sculptures by the person whom I am named for, but there were no Ahmnodt Fukinov sculptures there.
  • Vaduz Castle – It is the current home of the Prince of Liechtenstein.  The views are panoramic and breathtaking.  Though people aren’t allowed to tour the castle (people do live there), the grounds are openand are beautiful.  rumor has it that from the top of the castle, you can see Switzerland and Austria.
  • Engel Ratskeller – the price is a bit high, but it’s right by the castle and the spaetzle is out of this world!

Vaduz doesn’t have the Americana ambiance that Americans towns have, but it does have a nice small town feel, even in the heart of the city.

Top Ten Towns I Have Been To (Number 3 – Hooterville, USA)

OK the town doesn’t really exist, but it should have.  Although there is no “Hooterville” on any map, I have watched enough episodes of “Green Acres” and “Petticoat Junction” to know quite a bit about the town.  Below is how a trip to Hooterville would have gone for me:

I arrived to Hooterville by train.  It was a nice surprise to see the hotel I was going to stay at for a week was within walking distance.  I walked over to the Shady Rest Hotel and were greeted by Kate and her Uncle Joe.  They were nice people.  Kate sounded a bit like Betty Rubble and Joe seemed so much like he could have been my uncle, I soon started calling him “Uncle Joe.”  (Both of my parents were only children so I don’t have a blood uncle.)

Soon after settling in and unpacking, I headed towards Drucker’s General Store.  I had never been in a general store before, so I didn’t know what to expect.  It had a lot of things that a supermarket has and a few things that a Wal-Mart would have.  There wasn’t much that interested me foodwise because I wasn’t really hungry, but I felt obligated to buy something so I bought a grilled cheese sandwich.

I strolled through Hooterville looking for things to do.  It turns out there isn’t much to do there except for shooting the breeze.  A man named Mr. Haney (I forgot his first name) liked to talk.  He also liked selling stuff.  Like rutabagas and gadgets.  He said he had one thing to say, but that was after he said 40-50 other things.

I soon ran into a farmhand named “Eb”.  I thought he said “Ed” and called him as such, but he said it was “Eb”.  (I wondered if it was short for “Ebeneezer” or for “Ebb”.)  He thought I might have been hungry or thirsty so he invited me to the Douglas farmhouse to get some water.  Lisa was very nice.  She even invited me for dinner.  I thought about it until I heard the pancakes moan.

I drank some water and headed back to the Shady Rest when I was approached by a pig.  He seemed happy, smiling as he was snorting at me.  The pig’s owner soon came out and told me he was just saying hi.  Then he yelled at the pig for cheating in Checkers again.

I was soon back at the hotel and was joined by three hotties for dinner.  Billie Jo, Bobbie Jo, Betty Jo and Uncle Joe and Kate had steak and potatoes and milk.

I would go back to Hooterville if it existed.  I would have to make sure that I brought booze with me.  Billie Jo, Bobbie Jo, Betty Jo, and Uncle Joe all play hard to get when sober.

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